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The Night I Lost my Gifts

I was dating a guy in college who hated my psychic abilities and my strong spiritual relationships. At first he seemed really open to the divine. On our first few dates he was happily babbling away about mediation, excerpts of various Gospels, and Hinduism. This was before I had expressed anything metaphysical about myself. Later as I become more open about showing him my true self, believing I was safe because the content of our previous discussions, he expressed disdain towards anything spiritual including me.

My boyfriend feared my spirit visitors, my visions, and my powers. He was freaked out by my apparent intuitive relationships with hawks. He claimed there was no God and no after life. He stated I was too intelligent to think I was psychic. He would often pick fights in attempts to kill this part of me. Instead of leaving him, I chose to keep this part of myself hidden away. I consulted intuitive teachers and took classes in secret. I stopped doing readings. I felt deep shame for who I was and I was careful not to bring up anything metaphysical around my partner. This kept the lid on preventing some arguments but the tension continued to mount.

When a fellow student mentioned my class taught by a Wiccan High Priestess in front of him, he was furious. That night my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. He told me he couldn’t continue with someone who was involved with such nonsense. I had already been struggling with feeling out casted due to my beliefs and intuition. I had a few “friends” who already claimed I was either flat out wrong on my hunches or that I was on the verge of clinical insanity. Fearing no one would love me otherwise, I asked for my powers to be taken away. Then I went to bed.

That night I dreamed I was in purgatory. The one I dreamed of consisted solely of Taco Bell’s serving only fried wontons as well as a dentist office. The dentist inside would break the bond between your soul and body by drilling into your teeth. It was a weird dream and I still don’t know why I saw the imagery that I did. In the dream I felt like I lost something precious. When I woke up I knew what it was. My abilities were gone.

It was as if my soul had been sucked right out of me. For weeks I felt a hopelessness I never experienced before. I felt utterly alone, no matter who was with me. I felt lifeless. I was a machine going through the motions. I didn’t know how to communicate with people and my emotions were muted so I didn’t feel much. In my mind I was already dead. I felt disconnected from anything beautiful, holy, or good. I had lost myself. It was the darkest time in my life.

I soon realized that even if no one would love me as I was, I couldn’t bear to go on like this. I wanted my abilities back. I wanted my spiritual relationships back. I wanted me back; even if it meant I would spend the rest of my days socially alone. It would still be so much fuller of a life to stay who I was, to have my abilities, and my relationship with the powers that be.

Shortly after my partner called me to say he wanted us to go on break. The instant we got off the phone my abilities came back in full swing. It was amazing. I was alive. I felt spirit around me. I felt the Tao. I felt God. I felt life. I felt the universe. I felt me and how I was connected to it all. It was fullness beyond description and I was beyond grateful. I realized my foolishness in attempting to throw it all away and to this day I am so grateful that I was forgiven.

I have learned what I have is as others call psychic ability: a gift. It is a gift I will never take for granted ever again. It is a gift that I will always treasure. It’s also a part of me and without it I can never be a full self. Without it I am only a shell. I must treasure it for what it is. As mysterious as it may be and as much as I don’t always understand it, this is who I am.

 I had been prepared to be alone for being myself and what happened instead was the compIete opposite. I found as I began to embrace this part of me fully, others around me did too. I couldn't believe it!  The ones who hadn't loved this in me went to the wayside and were replaced by people who fully loved me as I was. My life had been filled with more people caring people than I ever before and my older positive relationships deepened because I was finally open about my true self. 

Dear reader, I ask you this. Treasure every part of yourself. Never give yourself away just to save a relationship or in attempts to fit in so you can be loved. Otherwise you will experience an emptiness no crowd of people and no partner could ever fill. You must love you for you and in turn the universe will provide you with people who will love you for who you are inside and out.  -Autumn

 

 

 

 
You may purchase a reading from Autumn by going to
https://prodca.click4talk.com/c4a/plink/popup.php?cid=19665&linker=100516
She charges $2.00 per minute  for phone readings. 
She also answers 3 email questions for $30.00
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